One of the most embarrassing truths I had to accept when I reviewed my past was that I was the instigator, not the victim. Back in my dating years, I held a belief that people only wanted to use me and then dump me. So, you know what I did? I used people and then dumped them. Might as well stick it to them before they did it to me, right? No, not right. I never had a real relationship when I was young not because guys are jerks, but because I treated my partner poorly because I assumed they would treat me that way or because I chose people who would treat me poorly. It was a self-fulfilling prophecy. My relationships were horrible because I assumed they would be horrible. I made that happen.
Decades ago, my brother joined the Tea Party. He immediately started spouting his fears that America was headed toward a civil war. He has since moved to the MAGA movement and has been vocal not only in his expectation of a civil war – but acting and speaking in ways that promotes opposition and division. His focus on a rift in America is causing and expanding the rift.
We get what we focus on. If we wake up on the wrong side of the bed and feel rushed and stressed, every interaction we have that day will be rushed, impatient, and stressful. It reminds me of a young client during my life coaching days. She was a teen, who was very good at being a teen. She and her mother were bumping heads constantly. Before they were about to go on a road trip together, the teen told me of all the horrible things that could possibly happen on that trip. I asked her instead to picture what would be an acceptable trip with her mother. I didn’t ask her to imagine something out of her reach or something unbelievable. The teen took a moment and envisioned a trip without arguments and with mutual respect. I told her to hold that picture in her head before and during the trip. And you know what? The trip went well. It was not a love fest, but it was the best the two had gotten along together in years.
Another example that comes to mind is from my first professional position. My manager was extremely demanding and quick to attack me and my coworkers. I could have chosen to cower in fear or fight fire with fire and attack her back, but neither of those options sat well with me. What I chose to do instead was to treat my boss with respect and consideration. The angrier she would be, the kinder I would become. And in time, she ran out of steam. She could no longer exist in a world of aggression when I wouldn’t play in that world with her. I focused on embodying respect and consideration, and therefore experienced respect and consideration.
You can do this too. Think of what is not working in your life or what is causing you stress. Then look at your beliefs and actions. Are you thinking and acting in alignment with what you want to experience? If not, how can you change your thoughts, beliefs and actions to be more aligned with the life you want? You might be surprised by how your experience of life changes, even if the outside world doesn’t.
