In my early years, I wanted a seat at the table. Working in male dominated fields in the 1990’s and beyond, I was often overlooked. I was not one of the boys. My performance and my dedication didn’t matter. If I didn’t have a penis, I was not taken seriously.
For years, I fought for my seat at their table. I tried many ways to be taken seriously. I fought to have a voice. I fought to have authority and power. But the cards were stacked against me. No matter my effort, I did not have the one thing that I needed to have seat at the table. I was not a man.
It pissed me off that I spent so much time fighting for rights and recognition where it was never to be had. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. Once I finally admitted my insanity, once I finally accepted that I could never advance in a workplace that didn’t respect me, I was angry and depressed. I felt worthless. I felt powerless. And then I felt empowered.
I don’t want to be at YOUR table. I am going to make my OWN table.
Once I realized that I was never going to win in their world, I created my own. I left the corporate world to start my own business, using my own rules. Once I did, I began to realize how the beliefs and focus of the previous companies did not match my own ethics. I didn’t want to be part of their world. I wanted to create my world. I wanted to create a place that reflected how I believed things should be.
The idea of creating one’s own table has come up a few times this week.
One friend was struggling with acceptance from a family member. No matter what my friend does, says, or wears, the family member does not accept her. My friend was angry and frustrated. We talked about people-pleasing. She recognized that the family member set the rules, the guidelines for good and bad. She recognized that even if she adhered by these rules, she wasn’t accepted. She was never going to get a seat at the family table. Accepting this fact empowered her to create her own table. She took some time to uncover her own standards for appearance. She took time to find out what really mattered to her and how she wanted to live her life. She stopped trying to minimize herself to fit into someone else’s desires. She is now uncovering and embracing who she truly is.
Another friend was feeling despair about the current detainment and deportation of human beings in the United States. We talked about tangible ways we can try to support her friend who is now missing after being shipped to an undisclosed location. We crafted a plan of action to do everything we can to find and bring justice for her friend. We also talked about the situation on a spiritual level. Elevating human pain is hard but necessary to survive the irrational times we live in. The justifiable pain, sadness, and anger she feels is debilitating. It makes her stuck and hopeless, just like when I was back in the corporate world and I questioned my worth when I realized it was impossible to advance at a company which would never promote a woman. Reacting to the current administration’s actions makes us powerless, because we are playing their game; we are focused on their table. I believe as a society we need to stop living in a world focused on separation, a world focused on discrimination, a world focused on hate. That is not the table at which I want to sit.
Whether it is at work, in your home, or in your community, you have a choice to buy into that group’s viewpoint – their table – or to create your own. Personally, I am doing what I can to create an atmosphere of inclusion, acceptance, equity, and opportunity. Living in a world focused on hate and fear does not serve me. How about you?
