Earlier this year, a neighbor asked me questions about the previous owners of her home because she thought there were ghosts in her house. This summer I realized I left ghosts of my former self back in my United States home.
After a decade in Mexico, it was time to put our former home up for sale. To get the house on the market, we needed to do minor repairs, but the larger challenge was cleaning out the garage attic. When we left for Mexico we didn’t know if we’d be returning the States, so we left many of our belongings in the garage attic. It was overwhelming to think about going through items that were untouched for over 10 years. What I didn’t realize was I had left my entire life in the garage.
I had expected to find the sentimental photos and possessions we collected during our marriage. What I wasn’t prepared for were the career achievements, graduate school projects, university theatrical playbooks, high school yearbooks, and grade school memories including my prestigious 4th grade honorary fireperson certificate. One level of stress was only having one week to sort through everything and decide their fate. Another level of stress was reliving who I was over my entire life.
The main ghost I uncovered in this exploration was my Type-A personality. Over the past few years, I have relished the new me, the Type-Me me. These days, for the most part, my Type-Me shows up as patient, loving, peaceful, and grateful. But rummaging through my past lives, awakened my stress-obsession, deadline-driven, fearful, workaholic old Type-A self.
Not only did the memories wake up my Type-A spirit, but the stressors of Time and Expectations added to my inner chaos. Time was prevalent in this situation. We had return trips booked so there was a solid deadline. Plus, we wanted to get the repairs completed quickly so we didn’t miss the peak home sale period. Having defined time limits threw my mind and body into a panic. Added to the time stressor, I was also affected by expectations. Over the years, I have released many of my expectations. I hold nothing dearly nor want anything critically. This time I believed the overinflated market to be a truth versus an anomaly. This created expectations for the amount of time it would take to sell and what price we would receive for the property. My mind added value to Time and Expectations, feeding stress into my Type-A behaviors.
Thankfully, I did not do any significant damage to myself or others while my old Type-A was active. However, I could also not disengage from it. Usually, once I have noticed unwanted behaviors, I use my tools to minimize or remove the behavior. This time I could not. The self-imposed stress was too high. Self-care was hard as we were staying with friends and family so my usual routine of diet, sleep, yoga, and meditation was not available. I was in the habit of giving myself a timeout and room to recharge when I experienced a stressor. During this time, I could get a little grounding on morning dog walks, but that was just enough to keep me from being a bitch, not to release the Type-A.
This is the part of my articles where I usually share the realization I had about how to make the situation better. I don’t have that this time. Realizing I was out of control and doing my best not to be a monster was as good as the situation was going to get. My a-ha after the fact revolves around acceptance. Did I act as the person I like to be? No. Did I do anything that I regret? No. That’s a win. This situation taught me that I am not and can not be perfect. I have spent much of my life judging myself and striving to be better. This time, it is ok to just admit I am human.
I am human. Life is in session. My best is good enough.
Upon returning to Mexico, my new peaceful routine and behaviors are returning to me. Plus, I have a renewed gratitude for my new way of life and being. And I accept I am a fallible human, and that’s ok.
